And so I thought...

I thought that my burden has ended but it's just starting. I brought
my partner to work today and I felt like I was treated like a driver.
Mind you, when he talked to me after getting his things from the rear
passenger side of the car, I really thought that I was just a driver
and not his lover.

How come people or better yet my partner treat me worthless? Where did
my dignity and pride go? Why is it hiding? Why was it killed?

Life has been fairly good to me but most of the time, it was very
unfair. Too much demands? Irrational demands and illogical ones too
most of the time.

When will life (or my partner) treat me better? Where is my life
going? Is it enroute to heaven or hell? I don't know the answer to
these questions, all I know is that I have to weather all of these
struggles and come out the victor. I am in no competition. I am just
trying to live my life. And all I get is this? Where did all the love
go? Where did the passion go? Where is the love? Where is the trust,
dignity and respect? All gone. All I have to do is gather them all
again back to where it belongs. But how would I start?

Can I start this late in life? Is life still worth living? Will these
struggles vaporize? Will this be the kind of life that I'll live for
the rest of my time here on earth? Are there better choices for me?
Will there be a time that I'll be truly happy?

I feel depress. I want to take anti-depressant meds but too afraid to
ask my partner for a prescription or to refer me to a psychiatrist.
I'm too afraid for my life already. I'm slowly burning like a candle
in the dark.

Here's a poem I written for myself:

"Life"
I wish I could have a better life,
The one that won't cut my heart like a knife.

I wish I could have everything back,
My dignity, self-respect, trust and happiness.
Everytime I tell my partner this, he's taken aback.
And he makes me feel loneliness.

I will start living on this earth,
Till the last breath I take.
I yearn for passion and love,
And all he gives is none.

---

So when will I get my life back? My true self?
I am me, Accept me.

'Til my heart aches end...let me know what you think.
Ciao!