And so I thought...

I thought that my burden has ended but it's just starting. I brought
my partner to work today and I felt like I was treated like a driver.
Mind you, when he talked to me after getting his things from the rear
passenger side of the car, I really thought that I was just a driver
and not his lover.

How come people or better yet my partner treat me worthless? Where did
my dignity and pride go? Why is it hiding? Why was it killed?

Life has been fairly good to me but most of the time, it was very
unfair. Too much demands? Irrational demands and illogical ones too
most of the time.

When will life (or my partner) treat me better? Where is my life
going? Is it enroute to heaven or hell? I don't know the answer to
these questions, all I know is that I have to weather all of these
struggles and come out the victor. I am in no competition. I am just
trying to live my life. And all I get is this? Where did all the love
go? Where did the passion go? Where is the love? Where is the trust,
dignity and respect? All gone. All I have to do is gather them all
again back to where it belongs. But how would I start?

Can I start this late in life? Is life still worth living? Will these
struggles vaporize? Will this be the kind of life that I'll live for
the rest of my time here on earth? Are there better choices for me?
Will there be a time that I'll be truly happy?

I feel depress. I want to take anti-depressant meds but too afraid to
ask my partner for a prescription or to refer me to a psychiatrist.
I'm too afraid for my life already. I'm slowly burning like a candle
in the dark.

Here's a poem I written for myself:

"Life"
I wish I could have a better life,
The one that won't cut my heart like a knife.

I wish I could have everything back,
My dignity, self-respect, trust and happiness.
Everytime I tell my partner this, he's taken aback.
And he makes me feel loneliness.

I will start living on this earth,
Till the last breath I take.
I yearn for passion and love,
And all he gives is none.

---

So when will I get my life back? My true self?
I am me, Accept me.

'Til my heart aches end...let me know what you think.
Ciao!

As I was just doing fine...

As I was just doing fine with my life until he came into it. I used to
have a good set of friends. My social life was okay. I earn okay with
the company I was working for. I was about to be an AVP until he came
to the picture. And now this is the life that he is giving me?

Too much doubt, too much inconsideration. Too much of everything. Love
can kill your relationship as much as love could make it fonder.

This is what I would like him to know:
"You are such an a--hole to treat me this way! I was never brought up
by my parents to be hurt this way! You've made my life miserable! Yes,
I might sound pathetic because you made me to be one. You will never
have a peace of mind because I will make your life miserable too! If
not for the love I feel for you and your kids, I could have done so
many things to f@ck up your life!"

Yes, he has 2 kids. And yes, he's gay and I am. Don't be confused.

When he called me earlier this afternoon to rant about something at
work. Part of me is rejoicing and saying that "you f@cking deserve it,
you a--hole!"

After our conversation, I told him that we would be needing more cash
to fund the checks that we have issued for the end of the month. And
then he said this, "so you're saying the ------ is not earning money?
Where is all my money going? Fix your accounting!!!" Then poof, the
line was gone. I feel so little. I feel I'm being accused of stealing
money from him. If I want to, I could in such a way he couldn't detect
it but hey, I wasn't born and bred to do that! I know better! Unlike
him that grew up not having everything he wants, I had what I want
albeit some things that my parents opted not to give me. But I'm
happy.

Am I hard to love?

That's the question that has been lingering in my mind since last
week. I don't know the answer myself. I don't know. I could only give
you a glimpse of myself:

- young (okay not that young but still in my 20s)
- intelligent (I think so because won't be able to reach what I have
reached in my previous career if I wasn't)
- not ugly (I would like to think I look average - some people say I'm
above average)
- independent (I could do things alone, if I could - I try not to
depend on anyone for something)
- reliable (I don't disappoint people as much as I could)
- loving (I love the feeling of loving and feeling loved so I think
I'm quite loving)
- thoughtful (at home, I don't eat even if it's midnight already if my
partner hasn't arrive yet; I wait for him to arrive so that we could
eat together)

Those are just the simple things that I could think of myself. Sorry
if I sound like tooting my own horn, but I don't think I'm hard to
love. But how come he doesn't love me as much as I love him?

Currently, I am being emotionally and psychologically battered by my
partner. No sms responses to my messages. When I call him, he sounds
not pleased to hear my voice. I try to hold his hand while we are
about to sleep and he removes it.

I feel he loves someone else now. What's worst, I think I know the
person. We'll see.

So what do you think I should do? Should I really move on? And have a
new life? I'm quite 50/50 about starting anew. Part of me is excited.
Another part is sad and lonely. What should I do? Let me know what you
think. Thanks in advance.

I'm slowly getting back on track

I woke up today with full sadness in my heart. I have dreamed of
leaving him. I told myself, "maybe you should..." But the next
question is how? Will I be able to do it by myself. I was never alone
since I was a teenager. I entered into a relationship at a tender age
of 17. Since then, I was never alone after 2 exs and 1 current, I
don't think I could not live alone.

I thought, "how could I do it?" How will it be possible? Will it be
possible? I was surfing the net for coping mechanisms. Reading about
anxiety. My hands and feet sweat everytime he's near me. Is that
anxiety? I think so.

So I planned it in my mind, I have to start and think where I should
be living after I get out from this relationship. I surfed
sulit.com.ph and I stumbled upon Xevera of Globe Asiatique. I know
that there might be a problem with getting a PagIbig fund loan since
there was the supposed scam between GA and ghost borrowers, but even
without that, I might still have a problem since it's been 2 years
that I've been unemployed and that I haven't been paying my PagIbig
contribution. I'll try to find out tom if I could just voluntarily pay
my contribution.

I already emailed a realty estate broker to inquire regarding the
properties at Xevera. I hope he replies soon. I want to do this fast.
I think it's going to be less painful if it's done fast and as quick
as possible. Maybe I have to ask my father for help with the equity so
that I could move in right away. Then I'll just look for a job in
Pampanga that would be able to support my daily needs.

I have searched for jobs that are available in Mabalacat, Pampanga
(where Xevera is located) and from what I remember, there are jobs for
me. I could easily apply in a call center in Clark. I think with my
7years experience in marketing, retail, and customer service, I won't
have a hard time acing a job. But the question now is, how would I go
to the interview? I don't think I could hide it. So maybe I have to
leave and settle myself first in Pampanga before applying. I think
that's more realistic.

So even after I get the money to move out and move to Pampanga, the
next hurdle would be the actual transfer. Over the years, I have
accumulated such a number of possessions. Mostly books and I don't
think they'll all fit in my car.

Also, how would I tell my partner that I'm leaving him? I just want to
start anew. I want to start a different life. I don't know this
feeling but I'm quite excited just thinking about it.

Let me know if this is a good move. What do you think? Is it a good
move? Would you think it's going to be easy for me to move away from
Manila and move to Pampanga? What would happen with our businesses
that are both in our names? Should I file for a dissolution of the
partnership at SEC?

Please help. Thank you in advance.

Too much indifference

I have suffered so much I think. I'm emotionally and physically
battered. There's emotional blackmail already. Can you imagine saying,
"I love you" and not getting any response? I usually get the reponse,
"sige na..." My partner always cuts the conversation once I say I love
you.

I'm on bed while I post this entry. Earlier, I can't help but cry.
I've forced myself to cry but to no avail. I just can't help it
anymore. I need a different life. I want to start anew but don't know
how. I would like to quit this phase. I hate this!

Help. Please, someone help me.

Where did love go?

I met my partner during one of those occasions in the philippines when everybody is out on vacation. During the time I met him, I was so into him. He made me feel special. He made me feel worthy of my life. But time has passed and seems that love is no longer around. I feel that it ran and hid from me. I never felt the same from him. I am often chastised on everything that I do. My personality is always being lambasted even due to small and petty things. He always tell me that I am no one and that no one will believe any of my stories and that My all my past lovers are right to leave me. But wait, in the past relationships that I had, it was always me who left them and not e other way around. So what the he'll is he talking about? Is he talking about his own personal experience and fooling himself that it is me that is in that story?

Simple thank you and goodbyes are no longer there during phone calls. He never even replied I love you too when I send him an SMS saying that I love him. Is there still love in lure relationship? Or is it just me who feels being neglected?

From what I know, I have been a good partner inspire of my idiosyncrasies. I have cooked for him. I settled his life. His career. I have even prepared his clothes while his taking a shower. Before, he wears whatever I prepare for him. Now he changes it. He makes an excuse that what I prepared him is unlucky so he has to change it. I even ironed his clothes before when we were still cash strapped and can never afford a house help. Is that love or martyrdom?

In our relationship, i have always taken the back Seatlh. Never to talk unless spoken to. When i say something that he doesn't agree with, I am labelled as tackless. When I say something that he agrees with, he tells me I'm plastic. So where should i stand? Whatever decision I make, it's always wrong. Well not always, but most of the times, they're wrong. How can I be right when all he does is look for my failures and mistakes?

I want to be happy. I want to live a life that I wouldn't need to edit my jokes, my opinions and how see things. I want to be able to feel loved by someone. I wish that my partner loves me the way I love him. No Ifs and buts but only pure unconditional love. Do you think that possible to achieve in this life time? I've heard of partnerships at lasted decades but ended still. But I still want to believe that the universe has someone there for me. I hope that that someone is the one i am with now. I'm too tired to start a new life with someone else.

Please, I just need someone to talk to, comment and share me your opinions if you obliged me. I have contacts with my friends but i am hesitating telling em my dilemma as I might get the "I told you so...." responses from them.

I know it isn't late to start a new but there are a lot of things keeping me from doing so. I have invested a lot in this relationship already and I believe that there is still hope. Please teach me how to live my life. Please teach me how to love unconditionally. Teach me life and love.

I shall wait for your responses, and thank you in advance.

Where did love go?

I met my partner during one of those occasions in the philippines wherein everybody is out on vacation. During the time I met him, I was so into him. He made me feel special. He made me feel worthy of my life. But time has passed and seems that love is no longer around.

Please join Me

I would try to grow my link exchanges. If you happen to have a blog
and would like me to add you, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Just place a comment on this post with your blog title and link.

Thank you!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Who am I? What is this for?

I would like to congratulate myself for having this blog. It has been quite sometime since I had a blog. I used to have a blog that was running for about 5years until my current partner told me and has asked me to delete it.

However, this time, he's not aware of this blog. I don't think he has to know. I don't want him to know. This would be my personal space. My privacy would be contained in this blog. I have never experienced privacy for the past years we've been together. He's quite jealous of everything that I'm doing.

I have quit the life that I used to have. The career the I have, the friends that I have. Everything that I like, I have to give up for this guy. I thought that was the best thing to do after all, I love him. It is just now that I believe that I shouldn't have. It's quite a long story and I don't want to start now because that is the theme of this blog. He has to know me and accept me.

This afternoon, I was reading a book about partnerships. One of the main reasons for a good partnership is for the partners to have mutual trust, respect, dignity. I don't have any of that. I am being treated like I'm not a human being that has his own decisions. More often than not, I am being treated like an "it."

I don't want to rant anymore, I wasn't to have a better life. This time, this life that I want to live will just be throughout the web of the Internet. I don't think that I could live tin real life. I want to have friends. I want to be able to say everything my mind and heart desires. And I think this blog will be the start.

Thank you for reading this and welcome to my world.