Just testing this!

I am me, so accept me!

He's Back..

He's back again doing the worst things that a partner could do to his partner.

I don't know if I could still go through this life.

Pls help! I'm crying out for help! HELP! HELP! HELP!

This is the last time

He has hit me again. Good thing I was able to shield it hence no bruises this time. This is the last time. I don't want it to happen again.

Is it my fault? Or his?

Location:Makati

Everything Is Smooth Sailing

We still don't know until the next boom bangs. he's very quite and
lovable this time. Maybe it's the holidays? He hasn't treated me bad
for a long time. I don't even remember when was the last. I have a
very selective memory, I don't remember bad things.

We will see...we will all see what happens after the new year. But
guess what, I'm excited what life has in store for our family. As in
him, me and the 2 kids. Can life be lovelier this coming 2011?

I will surely keep you guys posted.

Here we go again

After being quiet for a time, he's up again maligning me,
demoralizing, degrading me.

I'm done with this life. I'll leave soon. Just have to plan well.

Another bout of emotional abuse

I am undergoing another bout of emotional blackmail from, who else, my
partner...

Last saturday, my partner and I went to an old mall here in Makati
City where you could buy pirated DVDs. As usual, I get to choose the
gay-oriented films while he gets to choose all the new ones that he
likes to buy and watch. I went ahead and he edited what I got from the
gay films. It's okay, I could stomach that. What I can't get is that,
I got the dvd of "the girl who played with fire" movie, and he goes,
"ano ba naman yang pinagkukuwa mo!" I just said that it's the prequel
of the book that I'm currently reading.

After everything, we asked the lady to count how much do we owe her
for the dvds, she said 2,200. I told her that we would need to
withdraw since we didn't bring that much.

Anyway, fast forward, we got home and we watched a gay film. And
instantly both of us had out tools erected, he asked me to fuck him. I
obliged. Just think, no foreplay, straight to penetration already.

The next day, he has to go to work. I drove him. I picked him up early
in the evening after I heard mass. We got home, we ate dinner quickly
and he asked me again to put a gay film and again, I fucked him.
Straight penetration again.

Yesterday, Nov1, we went to see his mother's grave and got back home
around 10pm. He wanted to watch a gay film again. We watched a chinese
made film which was really good. And then, we tried other films. Some
made us erected, others didn't. Then after everything, he asked him to
fuck him, I was quite exhausted since ...

And so I thought...

I thought that my burden has ended but it's just starting. I brought
my partner to work today and I felt like I was treated like a driver.
Mind you, when he talked to me after getting his things from the rear
passenger side of the car, I really thought that I was just a driver
and not his lover.

How come people or better yet my partner treat me worthless? Where did
my dignity and pride go? Why is it hiding? Why was it killed?

Life has been fairly good to me but most of the time, it was very
unfair. Too much demands? Irrational demands and illogical ones too
most of the time.

When will life (or my partner) treat me better? Where is my life
going? Is it enroute to heaven or hell? I don't know the answer to
these questions, all I know is that I have to weather all of these
struggles and come out the victor. I am in no competition. I am just
trying to live my life. And all I get is this? Where did all the love
go? Where did the passion go? Where is the love? Where is the trust,
dignity and respect? All gone. All I have to do is gather them all
again back to where it belongs. But how would I start?

Can I start this late in life? Is life still worth living? Will these
struggles vaporize? Will this be the kind of life that I'll live for
the rest of my time here on earth? Are there better choices for me?
Will there be a time that I'll be truly happy?

I feel depress. I want to take anti-depressant meds but too afraid to
ask my partner for a prescription or to refer me to a psychiatrist.
I'm too afraid for my life already. I'm slowly burning like a candle
in the dark.

Here's a poem I written for myself:

"Life"
I wish I could have a better life,
The one that won't cut my heart like a knife.

I wish I could have everything back,
My dignity, self-respect, trust and happiness.
Everytime I tell my partner this, he's taken aback.
And he makes me feel loneliness.

I will start living on this earth,
Till the last breath I take.
I yearn for passion and love,
And all he gives is none.

---

So when will I get my life back? My true self?
I am me, Accept me.

'Til my heart aches end...let me know what you think.
Ciao!

As I was just doing fine...

As I was just doing fine with my life until he came into it. I used to
have a good set of friends. My social life was okay. I earn okay with
the company I was working for. I was about to be an AVP until he came
to the picture. And now this is the life that he is giving me?

Too much doubt, too much inconsideration. Too much of everything. Love
can kill your relationship as much as love could make it fonder.

This is what I would like him to know:
"You are such an a--hole to treat me this way! I was never brought up
by my parents to be hurt this way! You've made my life miserable! Yes,
I might sound pathetic because you made me to be one. You will never
have a peace of mind because I will make your life miserable too! If
not for the love I feel for you and your kids, I could have done so
many things to f@ck up your life!"

Yes, he has 2 kids. And yes, he's gay and I am. Don't be confused.

When he called me earlier this afternoon to rant about something at
work. Part of me is rejoicing and saying that "you f@cking deserve it,
you a--hole!"

After our conversation, I told him that we would be needing more cash
to fund the checks that we have issued for the end of the month. And
then he said this, "so you're saying the ------ is not earning money?
Where is all my money going? Fix your accounting!!!" Then poof, the
line was gone. I feel so little. I feel I'm being accused of stealing
money from him. If I want to, I could in such a way he couldn't detect
it but hey, I wasn't born and bred to do that! I know better! Unlike
him that grew up not having everything he wants, I had what I want
albeit some things that my parents opted not to give me. But I'm
happy.

Am I hard to love?

That's the question that has been lingering in my mind since last
week. I don't know the answer myself. I don't know. I could only give
you a glimpse of myself:

- young (okay not that young but still in my 20s)
- intelligent (I think so because won't be able to reach what I have
reached in my previous career if I wasn't)
- not ugly (I would like to think I look average - some people say I'm
above average)
- independent (I could do things alone, if I could - I try not to
depend on anyone for something)
- reliable (I don't disappoint people as much as I could)
- loving (I love the feeling of loving and feeling loved so I think
I'm quite loving)
- thoughtful (at home, I don't eat even if it's midnight already if my
partner hasn't arrive yet; I wait for him to arrive so that we could
eat together)

Those are just the simple things that I could think of myself. Sorry
if I sound like tooting my own horn, but I don't think I'm hard to
love. But how come he doesn't love me as much as I love him?

Currently, I am being emotionally and psychologically battered by my
partner. No sms responses to my messages. When I call him, he sounds
not pleased to hear my voice. I try to hold his hand while we are
about to sleep and he removes it.

I feel he loves someone else now. What's worst, I think I know the
person. We'll see.

So what do you think I should do? Should I really move on? And have a
new life? I'm quite 50/50 about starting anew. Part of me is excited.
Another part is sad and lonely. What should I do? Let me know what you
think. Thanks in advance.

I'm slowly getting back on track

I woke up today with full sadness in my heart. I have dreamed of
leaving him. I told myself, "maybe you should..." But the next
question is how? Will I be able to do it by myself. I was never alone
since I was a teenager. I entered into a relationship at a tender age
of 17. Since then, I was never alone after 2 exs and 1 current, I
don't think I could not live alone.

I thought, "how could I do it?" How will it be possible? Will it be
possible? I was surfing the net for coping mechanisms. Reading about
anxiety. My hands and feet sweat everytime he's near me. Is that
anxiety? I think so.

So I planned it in my mind, I have to start and think where I should
be living after I get out from this relationship. I surfed
sulit.com.ph and I stumbled upon Xevera of Globe Asiatique. I know
that there might be a problem with getting a PagIbig fund loan since
there was the supposed scam between GA and ghost borrowers, but even
without that, I might still have a problem since it's been 2 years
that I've been unemployed and that I haven't been paying my PagIbig
contribution. I'll try to find out tom if I could just voluntarily pay
my contribution.

I already emailed a realty estate broker to inquire regarding the
properties at Xevera. I hope he replies soon. I want to do this fast.
I think it's going to be less painful if it's done fast and as quick
as possible. Maybe I have to ask my father for help with the equity so
that I could move in right away. Then I'll just look for a job in
Pampanga that would be able to support my daily needs.

I have searched for jobs that are available in Mabalacat, Pampanga
(where Xevera is located) and from what I remember, there are jobs for
me. I could easily apply in a call center in Clark. I think with my
7years experience in marketing, retail, and customer service, I won't
have a hard time acing a job. But the question now is, how would I go
to the interview? I don't think I could hide it. So maybe I have to
leave and settle myself first in Pampanga before applying. I think
that's more realistic.

So even after I get the money to move out and move to Pampanga, the
next hurdle would be the actual transfer. Over the years, I have
accumulated such a number of possessions. Mostly books and I don't
think they'll all fit in my car.

Also, how would I tell my partner that I'm leaving him? I just want to
start anew. I want to start a different life. I don't know this
feeling but I'm quite excited just thinking about it.

Let me know if this is a good move. What do you think? Is it a good
move? Would you think it's going to be easy for me to move away from
Manila and move to Pampanga? What would happen with our businesses
that are both in our names? Should I file for a dissolution of the
partnership at SEC?

Please help. Thank you in advance.